Mud is mud
實事求是
My cousin, Harry, keeps a large curiously-shaped bottle on permanent display in his study. Despite the fact that the bottle is tinted a delicate shade of green, an observant visitor would soon notice that it is filled with what looks like a thick, grayish substance. If you were to ask Harry what was in the bottle, he would tell you that it contained perfumed mud. If you expressed doubt or surprise, he would immediately invite you to smell it and then to rub some into your skin. This brief experiment would dispel any further doubts you might have. The bottle really does contain perfumed mud. How Harry came into the possession of this outlandish stuff makes an interesting story which he is fond of relating. Furthermore, the acquisition of this bottle cured him of a bad habit he had been developing for years.
Harry used to consider it a great joke to go into expensive cosmetic shops and make outrageous requests for goods that do not exist. He would invent fanciful names on the spot. On entering a shop, he would ask for a new perfume called 'Scented Shadow' or for 'insoluble bath cubes'. If a shop assistant told him she had not heard of it, he would pretend to be considerably put out. He loved to be told that one of his imaginary products was temporarily out of stock and he would faithfully promise to call again at some future date, but of course he never did. How Harry managed to keep a straight face during these performances is quite beyond me.
Harry does not need to be prompted to explain how he bought his precious bottle of mud. One day, he went to an exclusive shop in London and asked for 'Myrolite', the shop assistant looked puzzled and Harry repeated the word, slowly stressing each syllable. When the woman shook her head in bewilderment, Harry went on to explain that 'myrolite' was a hard, amber-like substance which could be used to remove freckles. This explanation evidently conveyed something to the woman who searched shelf after shelf. She produced all sorts of weird concoctions, but none of them met with Harry's requirements. When Harry put on his act of being mildly annoyed, the assistant promised to order some for him. Intoxicated by his success, Harry then asked for perfumed mud. He expected the assistant to look at him in blank astonishment. However, it was his turn to be surprised, for the woman's eyes immediately lit up and she fetched several bottles which she placed on the counter for Harry to inspect. For once, Harry had to admit defeat. He picked up what seemed to be the smallest bottle and discreetly asked the price. He was glad to get away with a mere twenty pounds and he beat a hasty retreat, clutching the precious bottle under his arm. From then on, Harry decided that this little game he had invented might prove to be expensive. The curious bottle, which now adorns the bookcase in his study, was his first and last purchase of rare cosmetics.
我的堂兄哈里在他的書房里一直擺著一只形狀古怪的大瓶子。盡管那只瓶子呈淡綠色，但細心的客人很快就會發(fā)現(xiàn)瓶里裝的是一種看上去黏稠，顏色發(fā)灰的東西。要是你問哈里瓶里裝著什么，他會告訴你是香水泥。如果你表示懷疑或驚奇，他會立即請你聞一聞，然后取出一些抹在你的皮膚上。這一簡單的試驗會消除你可能存有的一切疑慮。瓶里裝的的確是香水泥。哈里如何得到這種稀奇古怪的東西的，這里有個有趣的故事，而且他挺愛把它講給別人聽。此外，得到這瓶香水泥還治好了他多年的一個壞習慣。
哈里曾認為走進一家名貴化妝品商店，荒唐地提出要買一種根本不存在的商品是件開心的事兒。他會當場編造出一些稀奇古怪的貨名。他走進商店后，會提出要一種名叫“香影”的新型香水或什么“不溶浴皂”。要是女售貨員告訴他從未聽說過這些東西，他會裝出十分遺憾和不安的樣子。他愛聽售貨員說他想像出來的那種東西暫時脫銷，于是他就煞有介事地許諾改天再來光顧。當然，他再也不會來了。我實在想像不出哈里在這些表演中是怎樣裝出一本正經(jīng)的樣子的。
毋須暗示哈里就會向你講起他買下那瓶珍貴香水泥的經(jīng)過。一天，他去倫敦一家高級商店要買一種叫“密諾萊特”的東西，店員露出詫異的神色。哈里又慢慢地，一字一頓說了一遍這個詞，那個女售貨員還是迷惑不解地搖了搖頭。哈里便進一步解釋“密諾萊特”是一種質地堅硬、狀似琥珀的東西，可以用來除去雀斑。他的解釋顯然對女售貨員有些啟示。她一個貨架接著一個貨架地尋找，拿出各種各樣稀奇古怪的化妝品，但沒有一樣能夠符合哈里的要求。哈里裝出不高興的樣子時，女售貨員答應為他定貨。哈里為他的騙術而感到洋洋得意，又提出要買香水泥。他原想女售貨員會驚奇地望著他，不知所措，沒料到這回該輪到他自己吃驚了。因為那女售貨員聽完哈里的話后，馬上眼睛一亮，拿出幾瓶東西放在柜臺上讓哈里挑選。哈里只好認輸。他挑出一個看上去最小的瓶子，謹慎地問了價。他慶幸自己只破費了20英鎊便得以脫身。他把那寶貴的瓶子放在腋下夾著，溜之大吉。從那以后，他認識到自己發(fā)明的小小惡作劇是要付出很大的代價的。在他書房的書柜里擺著那瓶形狀古怪的香水泥就是他第一次也是最后一次購買的稀有化妝品。
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